Mental Health – Unforgiveness

I wonder how many of us made New Year resolutions and how many of those, if any, related to forgiveness. 

Unforgiveness is not about someone else, it is about YOU and what has been revealed to you about you and it does not protect you from being hurt again.

Fairness forms part of our core belief system, that people and life should be fair and that the world should be as we want it to be….but unfortunately it isn’t! Having the expectation and waiting for an apology from the person who wronged you keeps you stuck in the story of the past.

Unforgiveness occupies a huge amount of space in our minds rent free. Letting go of our narrative of betrayal brings a sense of peace. Unforgiveness keeps us caught in the anger and negativity of revenge and revengeful behaviours such as gossiping, sulking, anger, infidelity, envy and spitefulness to name only a few. Are we more revengeful than we realise and less willing to admit to ourselves?  Holding onto revenge provides an identity, a sense of belonging to a group or society with the same revengeful perspectives justifying our behaviour. 

Our need “to be right” is a human addiction that we can feel a need to prove. “If I am right then I am good enough, I don’t make mistakes, I am worthy and if another has wronged me, then I am right” and this justification evokes a sense of relief and feeds our fear of being wronged, blocking the ability to forgive. 

Ask yourself the question “Who am I angry with?” The person in your head does not exist, your memory is a moment in time, a story of the past.  To let go of that narrative is challenging for our ego as inner peace has no ego.

Forgiveness is the ability to let go of the past, giving us freedom. It takes a huge amount of energy to hold onto injustice and unforgiveness. Change starts through our awareness and being prepared to challenge our negative thoughts that have become our familiar companion.  By changing the story of the past, we can change the impact of the past.

Recognising how blocked we are at forgiving is the first step. The “wrong doing” is a past frozen moment in our minds that is trapping us. Forgiving is not condoning the wrong, it is giving yourself the gift of freedom to let go and move on. People change and “fresh eyes” and forgiving frees us and brings inner peace.

Kerrie Hipgrave

Psychotherapist, Behaviouralist and Breathwork Coach