Mental Health – Unhealthy Anger
Can you recall a time when you can describe yourself as having “lost it”? What exactly did you lose? A loss of control, rationality, perspective, self-respect?
Anger is a natural emotion which should only take a few seconds or minutes to externalise, move through and then let go. It is one of the body’s useful warning systems, useful at the right time, in the right place and in the proper proportions
It is a feeling to be experienced, not judged. It is a form of communication that brings us a message through a felt bodily experience and it is mental. As long as it is not inappropriate, violent or abusive, anger can be helpful and a healthy response
Problems arise when we express our anger inappropriately and disproportionally or swallow it, suppressing and accumulating anger upon old angers. Supressed anger becomes unfinished business riddled with resentments, growing bigger and bigger until it explodes often in the wrong place. This unhealthy reaction is a signal that something is out of line with our core beliefs. The overwhelming intensity of our angry energy is released verbally, physically or both like a volcano. Disproportionate anger is fearful and threatening and we are often so afraid of our own anger and deny it so deeply that we are no longer aware of it. Besides becoming angry with others, we become angry with ourselves for what we did or didn’t do. We are triggered by the betrayal to self, pleasing others at the expense of our own feelings.
We all have our own unique core rational and irrational beliefs. These are complex and they are given to us or developed through our lived experience. An activating event that triggers an irrational belief will trigger an irrational thought and unhealthy disproportionate anger. This simultaneous sequence of events is an indication that we have “flipped our lid”.
What happens when we “flip our lid?
The upper, mid rain and brain stem work together to enable us to rationalise, remain calm, connected and regulated.
The upper brain is the logic centre, the thinking brain that works in harmony for socialising and reasoning. It hugs our mid brain, making it feel safe making us feel calm and grounded.
The mid brain is our emotional or feeling brain.
The brain stem is primal, instinctive and reactive. Our fear responses of fight, flight, freeze and flop are here.
When the upper brain is overwhelmed, it disconnects by “flipping our lid”. We lose the ability to process language and to reason. Our unregulated mid brain releases unregulated anger and we instinctively go into our fear responses of fight or flight. This is our most vulnerable time as we are consumed by the intensity and disproportionality of our rage/anger resulting in abusive and violent anger. Our flipped lid prevents us from reasoning or from controlling the disproportionate anger or release of suppressed anger. As our levels of adrenaline and cortisol naturally decrease, our upper brain reconnects and once again we are able to reason. Often we feel ashamed, guilty, regretful or remorseful. We may cry, apologise and even beg for forgiveness, but we are left with the deeply impacting experience of our erupting volcano.
Counselling is a confidential setting to work with a professional to explore the triggers, beliefs, negative thoughts that lead to anger and adverse negative behaviour. It is a safe place to explore and process suppressed anger and to explore and change irrational beliefs into rational beliefs. Counselling supports positive change, self empowerment and acceptance of self.
Kerrie Hipgrave
Psychotherapist, Behaviouralist and Breathwork Coach
