Mental Health – Shame

  “Shamed People Shame People”

A University lecturer once boldly announced that “we all have shame at our core”. Is this true or do some people have the capacity to be shameless? It is helpful to recognise that shame and trauma go hand in hand, however trauma is resolved on the basis of it being in the past, whereas shame is an on-going daily struggle in the present.

Shame exists within all of us as a shameful thought and a felt gut experience, a preference in the moment to be invisible or to be anyone else other than yourself. Shame makes us blush, feel guilty, embarrassed or humiliated. Our critical inner voice convinces us that we have behaved wrongly or foolishly and that we must hide or deny our wrong doings as we are not good enough and flawed. We surrender to shame as it erodes our courage, convinces us that we are unworthy and makes us fearful of being shunned and rejected by others.

Shame is an on-going daily struggle as connecting with people always presents the possibility of feeling ashamed. Within ourselves our “shame goblins” lie to us, they convince us that we are alone and that no-one else struggles in this way. Shame derives strength from driving the perceived shameful act into hiding making us feel isolated. Shame thrives in the dark, where it is a secret that remains hidden and heavy. However shame cannot survive in the light and exposure brings a sense of reality and changes shame to regret, freeing us to have self-compassionate and self-acceptance and a realistic perspective.

Shame resilience enables us to respond to the “shame goblins” in a different way by not obeying them.  It takes great courage and authenticity to accept that:

• You can be vulnerable
• You can take risks
• You can be imperfect

Therapy provides a confidential setting to work with a professional to address shame that can consume us from within. It can be challenging for a client to work with shame and become the centre of attention, disclosing true feelings, daring to be seen. Developing self-compassion and empathy, the antidote to shame, can free us to be vulnerable, to authentically expose and explore shame within a safe therapeutic relationship.

Kerrie Hipgrave – Psychotherapist, Behaviouralist and Breathwork Coach